im not

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

had a talk with kw & my heart sank.. recieve shocking news again from him, maybe tht's cuz i haven been updating with him for a long time!? nvm bout all this, it's just hurts me when dear frenx are not okay at all.
i knew him for 1year but he's a great pal i known thru su, one of the best pal, if not the best. i knew his life, now or then abit since we have a pact with each other, and everytime i heard him telling me unpleasant stuffs my mind will wonder..
seriously, he's a nice chap. the guy who makes me believe frenxship again during the quarrel with my 'telepathy girl' 6months back. but why cant some1 like him get the girl he likes!?
he didn choose the best out of the prettiest, he simply go for the girl with the personality he likes, who just happen to be not bad looking. i'm just hoping that he wun lost himself after a second rejection, and the girl will just accept him as a frenx. no more hurting words, just treat him like the way it was way before the confession. and if possible, i'm hoping for a happy couple to be form *fat hopes*
after the talk, he made me realise how bad i treated tianhong & chunzhi back in dss for 4years. i'll insult them, telling frenx bout how much i dislikes them, how the way they behave irks me [though it's a fact that their behaviour is eccentric]. no, i'm not brodcasting bout my pursurers here, but rather just telling girls not to be mean to guys who u dun like but loves u. cuz i'm feeling a teeny weeny bad right now.

chatted bout non-sensical stuff & he asked me 'help me think of ways to touch her, or do sweet stuffs for her, just like what ur bf did to u' and it hits me. my silly guy never do any sweet stuff to me, not when we are tgt, not even when he's wooing me. and i began complainin to him bout all the sad stuffs my silly guy did. i guess human are just like that, they only rem the unhappy memories and not those happy one in a r/s. kw choose not to give any comments, obviously he thinks he shldn interfere our r/s by telling me what he feels.
and i ranted non-stop that i gonna dump him the first thing in e morning [obviously kidding] and kw got so scared..lol. i'm really just kidding, but i still send a super long sms to my darling telling him i WANT a suprise, else our r.s will deteriote, which i believe he'll reason with me again when he sees it -__-
i'm not trying to say he's not a good bf here, but just sees it this way. i accept the facts he cant send me home cuz of our dist, i dun blame him. i accept the facts that i have to go over cuz of multiple reasons and i wun mind doing it if his bro dun mind us using the com. but i cant stand it when he dun bother to send me to take a cab when it's 3am, when i'm down with heavy flu & slight fever. i cant stand it when i have opened my mouth for him to visit me, since i'm feeling extremely low right now.
he's great when it's comes to tolerating my temper, real bad temper in fact. i just flew into a rage when i cant watch this particular movie or eat this particular food. where i'll shove his hand off, throw my wallet on the floor or even kick off my heels right in e public. compromising is indeed impt in r.s but i think once in a while suprises or sweet-nothings can make it stronger.
can some1 just go make my silly guy realise how desperately i needed some suprises, sth sweet. i'll be willing to give u his number, just that u must not be an attractive babe with great character and wenxiu, u're definitely not welcome for it..lol

before we chatted, i'm just having low moral.. for 4days, i've been occupied by work & avoiding it but right now i decided to face it. avoiding, this is what i always do but just now i realise i'm accumulating problems in fact. when a new proby strikes, all the old proby resurfaces and u are more vex than ever. i'm decided to face it one by way now, even the major decision. i decided to stay, but that if i'm good enough cuz there's no point hanging on when i'm not gifted and suffering in it. yes, it's a pity to leave it now since i've already being in it for so long, just complete it and i can always start afresh when i see the need to. that's marks the end of my angony of this month, so i'm a happier person now..lol
work in sicc, i decied to be hardworking again and i really mean it this time. i mean, where the hell i can get such a high pay of 7.5/hr and 8.75/hr for just being a mere waitress.. yes, work over there is tiring and troubles never fail to arise over there. but as told by some of the aunties over there 'work is like this, ignore it & u'll be a happier person' but all this can only be possible if they still wants me. i skipped work today again, i guess they gonna send me a letter soon, which i definitely dun wan. i need the money for taipei trip next year, though a kind-hearted soul wanted to sponsor me which i rejected. anyway, the money i earned support myself & lessen my family burden and how can i possibly lose to my 16year old bro who's already earning his own living when he's still in sec!?
kw suggested that i love myself more, he said i lose 70-80% of myself right now. loving myself will in turn let others love me more in e end, i agrees with him. if i start having a life, keep going out with my ladies, 50% of the chance is my bf will start missing me & looking for me while the other 50% is he gonna be lazy and thanks god for e time to stay home with his pc..bah

i'm still in a lost of direction, what i want in life is a question mark. 5years down the road, maybe i'm still studying, or maybe working but as what!? or maybe life took a turn after my bf decided to dump me and i deteroite down to a bad girl who ended up dead or even commited sucide. maybe i decided to get married & is happily living in a cosy house..
wonder why humans can think of so many stuffs when they are bored. yes, i'm lost of direction, there's no light guiding me right now. maybe i'll wake up tmr & heard this voice telling me what to do..lol.
right now i'm might be feeling a ltl paranoid, but i believe 5years down the road i am still happy person [provided i didn die la]
basically, i dun really know what i'm talking but i suddenly rem sth yq said to me once..
"dun u think we think alot & our thinking is abit too mature for our age after we enter this course!?"

douwant to know.

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